Shaken awake. 3 am. Nightmare. Horrible nightmare. A warning. No, please no. I lie awake. I pray against it, hope against it. What could it mean? A warning... no doubt, it's a warning. Unsettled, so many questions, but also a strange, inexplicable sense of peace.
He saw me.
In the fetal position. In my bathroom floor. Sobbing, wracked, devastated. Tiles wet from my tears. Whispering aloud over and over, "There's no way to fix it... no way to fix it..."
He saw me.
Walking a cobblestone street. With her, my truest confidant. I couldn't speak. I tried. Again and again I tried, but with every breath my throat constricted and tears filled my eyes. I couldn't get a word out. I kept apologizing. Saying if I could just process I know I'd feel better. But I couldn't speak. The pain, deep and overwhelming. I couldn't speak.
He saw me.
Angry. So angry. I look to the heavens. I shake my fist, trembling, my heart bitter and cold. You've left me, I accuse. You promised You'd never, but you have. You aren't here. I don't know where You are, but You certainly aren't with me. How could You? How dare You? Bitter tears run down my cheeks, drip from my chin...
He saw me.
Sitting in the dark corner of a foreign airport. 2 am. Entirely alone. Entirely. Two cops, smirking, Italian speaking. Standing over me in the dark, interrogating, berating, accusing. Terrified. I couldn't understand what they were saying. They demanded I not move. They began locking all the doors. All the doors. They locked me in. With them. Alone. Sheer horror.
He saw me.
Sitting in her living room. Humiliated. Devastated. Broken. She spoke sharply, "Do you want to fight? Do you? Will you fight for this?" Through tears and anger, barely able to breathe, hopelessly sincere, "Yes."
He saw me.
Dark curtains drawn, crawling into bed. Over and over. Just sleep. Don't wake up. Please. Just sleep. My husband next to me, praying. Weeping. Hoping.
He saw me.
"Joy comes in the morning," she said, "Joy comes. In the morning." I didn't believe her. I hang up the phone. If only it were that simple...
He saw me.
Over the course of many months, many warnings, He was preparing my heart. He didn't give me warning that I might avoid the pain. He gave me warning that I might look back and see Him, everywhere, all along the way preparing my heart, telling me this was coming. Not to fear, not to run, but trust. It will. Be okay. I see you. I'm with you. The enemy will strike. But I'm with you. I'm very near.
And He was.
He is.
Just as He'd shown me, just as He'd warned me for weeks and weeks, tragedy came. Instantly I knew. The dreams, the words of warning and encouragement from prophetic voices in my life, the whispers along the way... in an instant they swirled about me, almost dizzying me with realization. I knew, although admittedly, the knowing didn't lessen the blow. It left me broken.
I was confident I'd never recover. Sure this would be the death of me, of my soul.
Day 1: shock, devastation, terror, sleeplessness, anger, frustration, mourning.
Day 2: fear, resentment, hatred, emptiness, hopelessness, humiliation, horror.
But then, but then... but then Day 3. Oh, Day 3...
Morning. I awoke. My eyes fluttered open. Patches of sunlight danced on the hardwood floor across my bedroom. I breathed deeply. I waited. Slowly I felt for the sadness, the brokenness... but I couldn't get my fingers around it. I felt harder, reached farther... nothing. I sat up. I looked around the room, staring at the dancing sunlight here and there, filtering thru the trees. Quietly but surely something else began to rise from the depths of me, the deepest part of me. I felt it acutely, rising higher, more intensely, almost to overflow... Is it... could it possibly... it can't be but... it is! Joy! It's joy! As if pulsing thru my very veins, it filled me. Joy! It made no sense. I paused, waited, wracked my brain, dug around in my heart for the overwhelming sadness that had become my constant companion... nothing. No where. Not even its scent remained! How is this possible?! I fall back on my pillow, close my eyes breathing deeply, letting it wash over me in wave after miraculous wave.
Lord, how is this possible? How could this be real? For the first time in days I hear Him, clearly, knowingly.
"I let you weep, but I won't let it continue. I saw your tears. I counted them. I wept with you. This is your miracle. Receive it in full. My promises are real, joy comes in the morning. No more weeping. I have fully restored your heart. Oh how I delight in you..."
Suddenly I know too, innately, unquestionably, He's never left my side. Silent, yes. But absent, never. I see it. Crystal clear.
"...I didn't want this, but I will use it. It was necessary. Brokenness is always necessary to receive abundant Life. You think you've known My fullness, My abundance, but oh you have no notion. Now, here, and everyday forward you will know and experience true fullness of life. Do you see it now? Do you understand why I couldn't intervene? And yet how I absolutely intervened? Do you see my purpose? My grace? My limitless love for you? Do you see that what the enemy intended for destruction I am using to reconstruct with an even surer foundation? Fear no more. Weep no more. For I am. I am."
My heart broke. Sheer gratitude. A miracle. It was a miracle. A real life, instantaneous, unexplainable miracle. There were no adequate words to express my thanks, or my sorrow in realizing the false and violent charge laid against Him, my refusal to trust the eternally Trustworthy. Surely, truly, He makes all things new. Surely, truly, He is forever for me.
Even now it doesn't make sense, the literal overnight restoration of my shattered heart made new. I don't and can't comprehend it, still. But reading thru the gospels I see account after account of the miraculous. When Jesus touched a life, they were never the same. Their healing was immediate. They didn't read a dozen books or go through 6 months of counseling or a 12-step program. They were changed, healed, delivered on the spot, wholly and completely.
This day and forever, I will count myself among them. This day and forever, I will not be the same. It has irrevocably changed me in every way imaginable. He is the Restorer, the Redeemer. When we wrestle with the Holy God of the universe, we don't walk away without a limp. I get it. I understand.
When Jacob awoke from his sleep, he thought, "Surely the Lord is in this place, and I was not aware of it." Genesis 28: 16
As to what this all means moving forward, well, quite frankly it means that everything is changing. Once you've seen the glory of God you can't go back. I've seen His glory. I'll never be the same. No conversation, no relationship, no task, no prayer, not a single meal or walk or errand.
Glory to God. God alone. Everything. Is changing.